7 Common But Hidden Fears About Sex

The sexual impulse is exactly that: spontaneous, reactive, ever-present and a source of great comfort, excitement and motivation for many. Why then do so many people lose steam or avoid sex where it matters?

While we generally attribute this to the aging body or boredom, when we take a closer look at the psychology and brain dynamics behind the phenomenon, several new hypotheses emerge. Consider the following:

1. Fear of repeated loss of performance: Many men often are fine with sex until that first fateful day when they are unable to perform in bed despite their best intentions. This sudden "failure" as it is experienced becomes a shock to the brain and a stigma of such shame that many men will dread subsequent sexual interactions.

Their partners, especially if this is a long-term relationship, may worry initially but then ignore this. This avoidance of sex than becomes a ritual and the couple then settles into other activities. When fear is this powerful, it can become conditioned in the brain and the dread of sex is best dealt with by addressing it immediately rather than avoiding the fear of this repeating. Often tiredness, too much alcohol, distraction and worry can all contribute to this lack of performance.

2. Fear of inability to satisfy: Some partners are so afraid of losing their loved ones that all they do is focus on satisfying them without any interest in being satisfied themselves. They grow to convince themselves that they enjoy this and avoid being pleasured themselves because their fear of loss has chronically activated the fear center in the brain and this leads to rationalizations in order to protect them from loss. This much-admired self-sacrifice leads to a one-sided relationship and loss of the valuable opportunity of being pleasured as well.

3. Fear of intimacy: This is an obvious one, but not so obvious in manifestation. At the core, most people can tolerate a certain amount of intimacy. However, fear of intimacy often masquerades as preference. When people declare their attractions despite being "emotionally close" to someone else, that someone else can often offer the opportunity to be a life-long partner except that the emotional intimacy is so close that the physical intimacy is daunting. So people fragment their lives and choose the best "balance" but by ignoring your fear with the most emotionally intimate person in your life you may be giving up one of the most fulfilling experiences you could ever have. I often see this manifest as "he or she is like my brother or sister." I see this as a red flag of fear of intimacy and will often explore this with people when I can.

4. Fear of social disapproval: On the surface, many people are confident that they don't really care what other people think. Yet, unconsciously, people feel ostracized for not choosing public partners who are socially acceptable. For example, similar to the fear of intimacy example above, many people will fall in love with another person but be unable to face their attraction to them because they know that society will disapprove. In the most "reasonable" circumstances this may happen when the other person is slightly overweight, disabled, from a frowned-upon social background or class or from the same sex group.

In all of these cases, the much-loved person is not chosen as a life partner because there are powerful unconscious fears that prevent them from being chosen. Getting over this irrational fear is important. While the initial fears are often borne out parents may disapprove of same sex or "unsuitable" partners), you are the person who will be living with a person with whom you want to have a long-term relationship. Examine whether your fears are more tied to social disapproval than you think.

5. Fear of responsibility: This fear is more common than people think. Often people fear the burden of being responsible for someone else's emotional well-being. So when their partners need a certain degree of sexual intimacy to feel less-anxious for example, this may frighten them. As a result, they may avoid receiving pleasure, gifts or even interaction with them even though they have never experienced or sensed an intimacy that would be more suitable for a life-long relationship.

So they avoid the relationship altogether because the relationship is threatening. Why, apart from a genuine desire not to be responsible for someone else's emotional well-being do people fear responsibility? This fear is also tied into the next fear.

6. Fear of disappointing others: People often fear responsibility because they hate the idea if disappointing others. Unconsciously, they feel as though they are not up to the job. Rather than face their own lack of self-esteem, they turn this into "I don't want to have sex." This often has nothing to do with the expectations of the other person. However, just the idea of disappointing others is a real buzz-kill for many people whose emotional vulnerability leads them to people they can easily please, but with whom, they will have no real intimacy.

7. Fear of death: Yes, yes. I know. You're probably thinking: this is some hidden nonsensical psycho-mumbo-jumbo, but it really is not. It is not a coincidence that the French refer to sex as "le petit mort" which translates to "a little death." Orgasm is the end of a brief life well-lived and stays in the brain as a metaphor of fear of death. Especially as people move on in years, this repeated death becomes a real fear and one that most people are not in touch with consciously.

Fears of sex are often not visible. They reside deep in the unconscious. For that reason, each of the fears above can take awhile to understand and reach. If you discard this understanding, you could be giving up an important and valuable experience in life.

When a Man Say "I love you"

Have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that progressed to the “I love you” stage? That’s the stage of a relationship when things are going well; you are enjoying each other’s company, and you believe the other person feels the same way.

It’s the point where your relationship can become more than just a friendship – it can become a vessel of long-lasting commitments, tender moments, and soulful intimacy. And you can get so excited about the possibilities of a relationship that you hear things that have yet to be said.

Now, I am of the opinion that 50% of relationships could progress to a marriage. All it takes is a willingness to nurture trust and care in a relationship that has marital promise.

But, the relationship gets off course because the man, woman or both make choices that alter the direction of that naturally progressing relationship. One is the assumption that the other has expressed love for you, when indeed they haven’t.

When you believe that someone has said “I love you” when they really haven’t, you begin to expect the other to be there for you way before they’ve decided they want to be there for you. You get hurt, the other person is confused, and the relationship fizzles away into nothingness instead of progressing forward to marriage. It’s sad, because if more people knew what love was, they wouldn’t jump the gun before its time.

For example, here are some phrases that sound like I Love You but really aren’t.

* I love that about you (I admire that aspect of you).
* I think I’m falling for you (I may love you, but I am not sure).
* I could love you forever (There’s a possibility I could love you, but I haven’t made up my mind yet).
* I love being with you (I love the way spending time with you makes me feel).

I mean, it’s hard to ignore what someone says, and some of these phrases do sound like a declaration of love. But they’re not. Saying I love you is sharing with a person that you care for them, want to aid them in life, and want to be responsible for their well-being. It’s a major step, and one that shouldn’t be ignored. If a person loves you, they can become a reliable companion for you.

The difference between I love you and I’m in love with you.

Many times, you’ll hear someone say to another, I love you but I am not in love with you. This usually means “I am motivated to be there for you, but I am not romantically attracted you”. But did you know that people can be in love with you, but not love you?

Being in love with someone is when you admire their body, character, motivations, personality, habits, or abilities. It’s focused on how that person makes you feel when they are around you and how much better the world is when you get to share their company.

But loving someone requires more than that.

Loving someone requires two things. First, you have to believe there is some way you can help that person. You have to see a way you can show care, and the more opportunities you find, the more you believe you can love them. Second, you have to make a decision to be there for them. Even if you see there’s a way you can nurture, protective, encourage, suffer with, or aid a person, you still have to chose to do all those things, regardless of how that decision will affect your own life. Loving someone is less about what the person does you for, and more about what you can do for them.

So, sometimes, when you “think” you hear a person say they love you, they’re really saying they’re in love with you. They like you, they admire you, or they are aroused by you. The focus is on what you do for them, not what they can do for you. It’s beautiful, but it’s not enough to begin sharing love with that person. You have to wait for the “I love you” both in what they say, and what they do.

When a man and woman say “I love you” it’s because they want the other person to know they have made the decision to be there for them. And they want to hear if the other person feels the same way about them. It’s a turning point of any relationship, because now you can judge the other person’s intentions based on their actions.

Some people will still say I love you, and not mean it. But many people won’t even go there if they don’t mean it, because now they are really on the line. A friendship can go on for months and months, but once you say I love you, it’s either on or off, yes or no, is you is or is you ain’t!

So please, only say “I love you” when you mean it, and give the benefit of the doubt when someone else says it. If they really love you, you’ll know it because they will begin to treat you with love, if they haven’t already. And until they do say so, enjoy the time you share with your friends, and wait on love to blossom in its own time. If love is there for you, you will have it. And if it’s not, love may be waiting for you in the heart of someone else close by.