Sympathy for the Bisexual Male

Since the inception of the LGBT communal whole, bisexuals have not received a fair shake from both the queer and the straight community’s stereotyping glare. Multiple inappropriate and incorrect character traits are attributed to bisexuals, such as indecisiveness, infidelity and supreme selfishness.

Some scholars even go so far to believe that people who call themselves bisexual are actually bi-curious. A 2005 survey conducted by the CDC reports approximately “1.8% of men and women between the ages of 15 and 44 identify themselves as bisexual".

Recently many celebrities have revealed their bisexuality with pride, actors like Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, Anna Paquin and singer Vanessa Carlton. Yet, while this upheaval of public feminine defiance may seem encouraging, it does little—some but little—to defeat the stigmas and flaws equated with bisexuality. And their public declarations only add fuel to the double-standard facing male bisexuals.

Female bisexuals face the struggle of becoming a thing of straight male fantasies, hence why their group remains more acceptable.

Even the atrociously misogynist site askmen.com posted an article titled “Signs your girlfriend is bisexual” wherein the key disclaimer for all straight males explains how a girlfriend’s lifestyle is not fodder for pornographic fantasies. Consequently, the desire to objectify the alluring sexual habits of a girlfriend or friend serves as a constant stereotype and absolute slap in the face to true bisexual women.

The bisexual male holds an even less enviable position. In the world that is predominately defined by straight males, the bisexual male simply does not exist. One such invisible person is Robert Winn, an openly bisexual male married to a straight woman.

Yes, this may seem like an easy out—no pun intended. He has the ability to admit that his habits are technically queer, yet he suffers no repercussions because his lifestyle is mainstream.

Or is it? Winn describes the complications his sexuality poses on his daily life. One of the primary complications is that “people are confused by bisexuality,” he informs a reporter. “There is a whole list of assumptions…that somehow she (my wife) is some sort of front for me because I’m not willing to accept I’m gay.”

Americans have come closer to accepting gay and lesbian unions and sexual orientations. But will they ever fully comprehend let alone accept bisexuality? College student Ben Pierce, another self-identified male bisexual, feels this degree of acceptance must come from both sides of the Kinsey spectrum.

He likens his sexual orientation to being biracial, comparing a person comprised of two races yet rejected by both to the way bisexuals’ fluidity is rejected by the straight and queer communities. “You’re caught in between these two very different groups of straight people and gay people,” he reveals, “and neither one really accepts you”.

Winn confesses that the height of the AIDS crisis during the 1980s served as a heavy contributor to his silence at a time when anything other than heterosexual behavior was suspect for spreading the virus. Despite the current rise in popularity and understanding among younger generations, male bisexuals still feel the need to hide their attraction to women and men. While popular culture has now made it almost chic for women to reveal their bisexuality, bi males still harbor considerable hesitancy due to prejudice from the gay and straight communities.

A classic example of such prejudice took place in 2005 when a “controversial study” titled Sexual Arousal Patters of Bisexual Men concluded that males are biologically incapable of being “aroused” by both men and women. Then, the Gay Softball World Series in 2008 stripped a team of its second place winning after it was revealed that three of the teammates were bisexual. Authorities disqualified the team since not all of its members were not completely gay.

Clearly, problems still exist and bisexuals face an unwieldy front from all sides. Sure, some may see them as this exotic anomaly merely testing the waters on both sides. However, a growing crowd of younger adults are starting to believe in the organic existence of bisexuality within their community, embracing them within the folds of equality and allied support. We can only hope that with the up-swing in popularity among Hollywood icons revealing their “fluid” natures, more bisexuals will step forward to share their experiences and dispel the bigoted rumors that nail them to the fence of suspicion.

How to Attract a Man?

Are you successful at attracting guys, or do you need a little help? Would you rather spend the next weekend alone or enjoy the company of a great guy? Do you sometimes feel sorry for yourself because you feel there are no good guys left? If you ever feel this way, it's time to stop moping and take control. You can easily learn to attract a great guy just by changing your attitude toward men and dating.

Looks aren't everything but they are important. It's just a fact in life that men are drawn to attractive women. When a woman takes care of her body and appearance, it tells a man that she values herself and that she is worth getting to know. Rather than fighting against this, accept it and do the best you can with what you have. A dowdy appearance tells a man that you have given up, and that is not the message you want to send when you are trying to attract a guy.

Confidence is the best accessory. And when you put a little effort into your appearance, you will automatically feel better about yourself and exude an aura of confidence. There are many other ways to put your confidence on display. First, pay attention to your posture. When you slump your shoulders you look older and worn down. Always make eye contact with people you meet. Being able to look a person directly in the eye communicates a very powerful subconscious message that you are confident and in control. Smile frequently. This gives you a warm, approachable demeanor.

Be available. You can't attract a guy if you stay at home all the time. And rather than travel in packs with other women, go it alone or with only one or two other friends. Being with others may make you feel more comfortable, but it makes things harder for a guy that may want to approach you. Stop hiding behind your friends. Also, accept invitations to events that may not really want to go to. You never know who you could meet at these functions. You don't have anything to lose, and it sure beats sitting at home alone.

If you want to attract a guy, stop thinking about all the reasons men aren't attracted to you, and actually give them a chance to get to know you. Use these tips to combat the voices in your head that tell you that you aren't good enough or pretty enough. So go ahead and break out of the ruts that have been holding you back.

7 Common But Hidden Fears About Sex

The sexual impulse is exactly that: spontaneous, reactive, ever-present and a source of great comfort, excitement and motivation for many. Why then do so many people lose steam or avoid sex where it matters?

While we generally attribute this to the aging body or boredom, when we take a closer look at the psychology and brain dynamics behind the phenomenon, several new hypotheses emerge. Consider the following:

1. Fear of repeated loss of performance: Many men often are fine with sex until that first fateful day when they are unable to perform in bed despite their best intentions. This sudden "failure" as it is experienced becomes a shock to the brain and a stigma of such shame that many men will dread subsequent sexual interactions.

Their partners, especially if this is a long-term relationship, may worry initially but then ignore this. This avoidance of sex than becomes a ritual and the couple then settles into other activities. When fear is this powerful, it can become conditioned in the brain and the dread of sex is best dealt with by addressing it immediately rather than avoiding the fear of this repeating. Often tiredness, too much alcohol, distraction and worry can all contribute to this lack of performance.

2. Fear of inability to satisfy: Some partners are so afraid of losing their loved ones that all they do is focus on satisfying them without any interest in being satisfied themselves. They grow to convince themselves that they enjoy this and avoid being pleasured themselves because their fear of loss has chronically activated the fear center in the brain and this leads to rationalizations in order to protect them from loss. This much-admired self-sacrifice leads to a one-sided relationship and loss of the valuable opportunity of being pleasured as well.

3. Fear of intimacy: This is an obvious one, but not so obvious in manifestation. At the core, most people can tolerate a certain amount of intimacy. However, fear of intimacy often masquerades as preference. When people declare their attractions despite being "emotionally close" to someone else, that someone else can often offer the opportunity to be a life-long partner except that the emotional intimacy is so close that the physical intimacy is daunting. So people fragment their lives and choose the best "balance" but by ignoring your fear with the most emotionally intimate person in your life you may be giving up one of the most fulfilling experiences you could ever have. I often see this manifest as "he or she is like my brother or sister." I see this as a red flag of fear of intimacy and will often explore this with people when I can.

4. Fear of social disapproval: On the surface, many people are confident that they don't really care what other people think. Yet, unconsciously, people feel ostracized for not choosing public partners who are socially acceptable. For example, similar to the fear of intimacy example above, many people will fall in love with another person but be unable to face their attraction to them because they know that society will disapprove. In the most "reasonable" circumstances this may happen when the other person is slightly overweight, disabled, from a frowned-upon social background or class or from the same sex group.

In all of these cases, the much-loved person is not chosen as a life partner because there are powerful unconscious fears that prevent them from being chosen. Getting over this irrational fear is important. While the initial fears are often borne out parents may disapprove of same sex or "unsuitable" partners), you are the person who will be living with a person with whom you want to have a long-term relationship. Examine whether your fears are more tied to social disapproval than you think.

5. Fear of responsibility: This fear is more common than people think. Often people fear the burden of being responsible for someone else's emotional well-being. So when their partners need a certain degree of sexual intimacy to feel less-anxious for example, this may frighten them. As a result, they may avoid receiving pleasure, gifts or even interaction with them even though they have never experienced or sensed an intimacy that would be more suitable for a life-long relationship.

So they avoid the relationship altogether because the relationship is threatening. Why, apart from a genuine desire not to be responsible for someone else's emotional well-being do people fear responsibility? This fear is also tied into the next fear.

6. Fear of disappointing others: People often fear responsibility because they hate the idea if disappointing others. Unconsciously, they feel as though they are not up to the job. Rather than face their own lack of self-esteem, they turn this into "I don't want to have sex." This often has nothing to do with the expectations of the other person. However, just the idea of disappointing others is a real buzz-kill for many people whose emotional vulnerability leads them to people they can easily please, but with whom, they will have no real intimacy.

7. Fear of death: Yes, yes. I know. You're probably thinking: this is some hidden nonsensical psycho-mumbo-jumbo, but it really is not. It is not a coincidence that the French refer to sex as "le petit mort" which translates to "a little death." Orgasm is the end of a brief life well-lived and stays in the brain as a metaphor of fear of death. Especially as people move on in years, this repeated death becomes a real fear and one that most people are not in touch with consciously.

Fears of sex are often not visible. They reside deep in the unconscious. For that reason, each of the fears above can take awhile to understand and reach. If you discard this understanding, you could be giving up an important and valuable experience in life.

Speaking with Teens About Sex

Given that we live in a culture saturated with sexual messages, talking with your teenage kids about sex is a crucial part of supporting them in passing though the teen years as unscathed as possible. So let's say you've decided you're open to talking with your teen about sex. What next? Here are a few ideas to consider.

Teenagers deserve respect

In North America teenagers get a bad rap. They are thought of as lazy, badly dressed, devoid of musical taste, completely irresponsible, and of course, sexually out of control.

But if you take the time to remember what it was like being a teenager, you'll be confronted with a very different reality. Being a teenager is arguably the hardest time your life; you have little autonomy, your days are filled with school, your nights and weekends are filled with an intense social pressure to conform to other peoples expectations. You probably have easy access to drugs, alcohol, random sexual experiences, but no one gives you good information about any of them. Surviving being a teenager is hard work, and you should treat your teenage children with respect not only because it’s the only way they’ll actually listen to you, but also because more often than not, they deserve it.

Teenagers are individuals not statistics

We all talk about teens as if there is no difference between a 13 year old and a 16 or 18 year old. There is a world of difference in terms of maturity, knowledge, lived experience, social skills, and more. You have to treat your teen as an individual, not a statistic that you read about in the paper. Try to get a sense of where you think your teenager is at in terms of their experience and maturity around sex. If you have other kids as a point of comparison this might be easier. If you don't, try to get information from friends who do. Talk about your experiences and use this as a guide.

Listen carefully for sexual questions

Some teens are comfortable talking about sex, asking questions, and telling you what is going on in their life. Others aren’t. Your child may not ask you explicit questions so you have to pay attention to what is not being talked about, and how sex might be raised indirectly. Stories about something that happened at school, or a reaction to a particular class where sex may have been discussed, may be their way of raising the subject with you. Don’t expect a big confession or a clearly laid out Q & A session. Try to pay attention to indirect questions and pick up on them to check in and see if your teenager has more specific questions.

Be available, not intrusive

Avoid being the “way too cool parents” who try to force the issue of sex. Part of respecting your children is giving them space to ask questions when they are ready. At the same time you want to make sure they know you’re up for the questions. It’s a balancing act being both available and accessible, but not being in their face. You won’t always keep your balance but when your kids see you trying, on some level they’ll appreciate the effort.

Cover the sexual basics in different ways

While you want to respect your teens privacy there is a lot of important health information your teen should have. If you think they might be sexually active, and aren't sure if they know about safer sex, you should ask them. You wouldn't let your teen start driving a car if they had never had driving lessons, and similarly as a parent it is your right to make sure they know how to keep safe with whatever kind of sexual exploration they are doing. If they are mortified by your pushiness, make sure you have a few books in the house that covers the basics, and have condoms in the house in a place where they can get them without asking you for them.

Use outside sexual health resources

Other resources might be books, local sexual health clinics, other family members, or family friends. For example, your teenage daughter might not want to talk to you, but she might be comfortable talking to her favorite aunt. The most important thing you can do for your teenager is help them get the information they need in a way that feels comfortable for them.

Timing sex talks

Try to keep in mind that your teenage son or daughter is likely juggling a hundred things you aren't aware of. Don't expect them to be ready to talk about sex whenever you are. If you want to bring up sex do it at a time and place where you both will feel comfortable and free to speak your minds. Doing it just before they're about to go out on a Friday night, or right in the middle of their favorite show probably isn't the best timing.

Sex education beyond plumbing

The two messages most teens get about sex are: don't get a disease and don't get pregnant. For those of us who made it through our teens, we hopefully know that there is a lot more to sexuality than not getting an STD and not getting pregnant. When you're talking to your teen about sex, give them some information about the great things about sexuality that are still to come for them. Talk about more than the "plumbing" of how sex works, talk about sexual thoughts and feelings, and the amazing things about sexuality as you get older. In other words, try to find a way to give them something to look forward to.

Know your boundaries and keep them

You cannot be your teenager's "buddy" or best friend. And you shouldn't feel like you have to answer every personal question your teen might ask you about your own life or history. Disclosing personal stories and lessons learned can be a powerful way to help your teen think about their own choices, but setting your own boundaries about what you will and will not talk about is equally important. You may want to share information with your teen that you wouldn't tell a friend or stranger, and if you do, make sure your child knows that. This may help them begin to develop their own boundaries, which is an important step in developing sexual health.

When a Man Say "I love you"

Have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that progressed to the “I love you” stage? That’s the stage of a relationship when things are going well; you are enjoying each other’s company, and you believe the other person feels the same way.

It’s the point where your relationship can become more than just a friendship – it can become a vessel of long-lasting commitments, tender moments, and soulful intimacy. And you can get so excited about the possibilities of a relationship that you hear things that have yet to be said.

Now, I am of the opinion that 50% of relationships could progress to a marriage. All it takes is a willingness to nurture trust and care in a relationship that has marital promise.

But, the relationship gets off course because the man, woman or both make choices that alter the direction of that naturally progressing relationship. One is the assumption that the other has expressed love for you, when indeed they haven’t.

When you believe that someone has said “I love you” when they really haven’t, you begin to expect the other to be there for you way before they’ve decided they want to be there for you. You get hurt, the other person is confused, and the relationship fizzles away into nothingness instead of progressing forward to marriage. It’s sad, because if more people knew what love was, they wouldn’t jump the gun before its time.

For example, here are some phrases that sound like I Love You but really aren’t.

* I love that about you (I admire that aspect of you).
* I think I’m falling for you (I may love you, but I am not sure).
* I could love you forever (There’s a possibility I could love you, but I haven’t made up my mind yet).
* I love being with you (I love the way spending time with you makes me feel).

I mean, it’s hard to ignore what someone says, and some of these phrases do sound like a declaration of love. But they’re not. Saying I love you is sharing with a person that you care for them, want to aid them in life, and want to be responsible for their well-being. It’s a major step, and one that shouldn’t be ignored. If a person loves you, they can become a reliable companion for you.

The difference between I love you and I’m in love with you.

Many times, you’ll hear someone say to another, I love you but I am not in love with you. This usually means “I am motivated to be there for you, but I am not romantically attracted you”. But did you know that people can be in love with you, but not love you?

Being in love with someone is when you admire their body, character, motivations, personality, habits, or abilities. It’s focused on how that person makes you feel when they are around you and how much better the world is when you get to share their company.

But loving someone requires more than that.

Loving someone requires two things. First, you have to believe there is some way you can help that person. You have to see a way you can show care, and the more opportunities you find, the more you believe you can love them. Second, you have to make a decision to be there for them. Even if you see there’s a way you can nurture, protective, encourage, suffer with, or aid a person, you still have to chose to do all those things, regardless of how that decision will affect your own life. Loving someone is less about what the person does you for, and more about what you can do for them.

So, sometimes, when you “think” you hear a person say they love you, they’re really saying they’re in love with you. They like you, they admire you, or they are aroused by you. The focus is on what you do for them, not what they can do for you. It’s beautiful, but it’s not enough to begin sharing love with that person. You have to wait for the “I love you” both in what they say, and what they do.

When a man and woman say “I love you” it’s because they want the other person to know they have made the decision to be there for them. And they want to hear if the other person feels the same way about them. It’s a turning point of any relationship, because now you can judge the other person’s intentions based on their actions.

Some people will still say I love you, and not mean it. But many people won’t even go there if they don’t mean it, because now they are really on the line. A friendship can go on for months and months, but once you say I love you, it’s either on or off, yes or no, is you is or is you ain’t!

So please, only say “I love you” when you mean it, and give the benefit of the doubt when someone else says it. If they really love you, you’ll know it because they will begin to treat you with love, if they haven’t already. And until they do say so, enjoy the time you share with your friends, and wait on love to blossom in its own time. If love is there for you, you will have it. And if it’s not, love may be waiting for you in the heart of someone else close by.