Sympathy for the Bisexual Male

Since the inception of the LGBT communal whole, bisexuals have not received a fair shake from both the queer and the straight community’s stereotyping glare. Multiple inappropriate and incorrect character traits are attributed to bisexuals, such as indecisiveness, infidelity and supreme selfishness.

Some scholars even go so far to believe that people who call themselves bisexual are actually bi-curious. A 2005 survey conducted by the CDC reports approximately “1.8% of men and women between the ages of 15 and 44 identify themselves as bisexual".

Recently many celebrities have revealed their bisexuality with pride, actors like Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, Anna Paquin and singer Vanessa Carlton. Yet, while this upheaval of public feminine defiance may seem encouraging, it does little—some but little—to defeat the stigmas and flaws equated with bisexuality. And their public declarations only add fuel to the double-standard facing male bisexuals.

Female bisexuals face the struggle of becoming a thing of straight male fantasies, hence why their group remains more acceptable.

Even the atrociously misogynist site askmen.com posted an article titled “Signs your girlfriend is bisexual” wherein the key disclaimer for all straight males explains how a girlfriend’s lifestyle is not fodder for pornographic fantasies. Consequently, the desire to objectify the alluring sexual habits of a girlfriend or friend serves as a constant stereotype and absolute slap in the face to true bisexual women.

The bisexual male holds an even less enviable position. In the world that is predominately defined by straight males, the bisexual male simply does not exist. One such invisible person is Robert Winn, an openly bisexual male married to a straight woman.

Yes, this may seem like an easy out—no pun intended. He has the ability to admit that his habits are technically queer, yet he suffers no repercussions because his lifestyle is mainstream.

Or is it? Winn describes the complications his sexuality poses on his daily life. One of the primary complications is that “people are confused by bisexuality,” he informs a reporter. “There is a whole list of assumptions…that somehow she (my wife) is some sort of front for me because I’m not willing to accept I’m gay.”

Americans have come closer to accepting gay and lesbian unions and sexual orientations. But will they ever fully comprehend let alone accept bisexuality? College student Ben Pierce, another self-identified male bisexual, feels this degree of acceptance must come from both sides of the Kinsey spectrum.

He likens his sexual orientation to being biracial, comparing a person comprised of two races yet rejected by both to the way bisexuals’ fluidity is rejected by the straight and queer communities. “You’re caught in between these two very different groups of straight people and gay people,” he reveals, “and neither one really accepts you”.

Winn confesses that the height of the AIDS crisis during the 1980s served as a heavy contributor to his silence at a time when anything other than heterosexual behavior was suspect for spreading the virus. Despite the current rise in popularity and understanding among younger generations, male bisexuals still feel the need to hide their attraction to women and men. While popular culture has now made it almost chic for women to reveal their bisexuality, bi males still harbor considerable hesitancy due to prejudice from the gay and straight communities.

A classic example of such prejudice took place in 2005 when a “controversial study” titled Sexual Arousal Patters of Bisexual Men concluded that males are biologically incapable of being “aroused” by both men and women. Then, the Gay Softball World Series in 2008 stripped a team of its second place winning after it was revealed that three of the teammates were bisexual. Authorities disqualified the team since not all of its members were not completely gay.

Clearly, problems still exist and bisexuals face an unwieldy front from all sides. Sure, some may see them as this exotic anomaly merely testing the waters on both sides. However, a growing crowd of younger adults are starting to believe in the organic existence of bisexuality within their community, embracing them within the folds of equality and allied support. We can only hope that with the up-swing in popularity among Hollywood icons revealing their “fluid” natures, more bisexuals will step forward to share their experiences and dispel the bigoted rumors that nail them to the fence of suspicion.

How to Attract a Man?

Are you successful at attracting guys, or do you need a little help? Would you rather spend the next weekend alone or enjoy the company of a great guy? Do you sometimes feel sorry for yourself because you feel there are no good guys left? If you ever feel this way, it's time to stop moping and take control. You can easily learn to attract a great guy just by changing your attitude toward men and dating.

Looks aren't everything but they are important. It's just a fact in life that men are drawn to attractive women. When a woman takes care of her body and appearance, it tells a man that she values herself and that she is worth getting to know. Rather than fighting against this, accept it and do the best you can with what you have. A dowdy appearance tells a man that you have given up, and that is not the message you want to send when you are trying to attract a guy.

Confidence is the best accessory. And when you put a little effort into your appearance, you will automatically feel better about yourself and exude an aura of confidence. There are many other ways to put your confidence on display. First, pay attention to your posture. When you slump your shoulders you look older and worn down. Always make eye contact with people you meet. Being able to look a person directly in the eye communicates a very powerful subconscious message that you are confident and in control. Smile frequently. This gives you a warm, approachable demeanor.

Be available. You can't attract a guy if you stay at home all the time. And rather than travel in packs with other women, go it alone or with only one or two other friends. Being with others may make you feel more comfortable, but it makes things harder for a guy that may want to approach you. Stop hiding behind your friends. Also, accept invitations to events that may not really want to go to. You never know who you could meet at these functions. You don't have anything to lose, and it sure beats sitting at home alone.

If you want to attract a guy, stop thinking about all the reasons men aren't attracted to you, and actually give them a chance to get to know you. Use these tips to combat the voices in your head that tell you that you aren't good enough or pretty enough. So go ahead and break out of the ruts that have been holding you back.

7 Common But Hidden Fears About Sex

The sexual impulse is exactly that: spontaneous, reactive, ever-present and a source of great comfort, excitement and motivation for many. Why then do so many people lose steam or avoid sex where it matters?

While we generally attribute this to the aging body or boredom, when we take a closer look at the psychology and brain dynamics behind the phenomenon, several new hypotheses emerge. Consider the following:

1. Fear of repeated loss of performance: Many men often are fine with sex until that first fateful day when they are unable to perform in bed despite their best intentions. This sudden "failure" as it is experienced becomes a shock to the brain and a stigma of such shame that many men will dread subsequent sexual interactions.

Their partners, especially if this is a long-term relationship, may worry initially but then ignore this. This avoidance of sex than becomes a ritual and the couple then settles into other activities. When fear is this powerful, it can become conditioned in the brain and the dread of sex is best dealt with by addressing it immediately rather than avoiding the fear of this repeating. Often tiredness, too much alcohol, distraction and worry can all contribute to this lack of performance.

2. Fear of inability to satisfy: Some partners are so afraid of losing their loved ones that all they do is focus on satisfying them without any interest in being satisfied themselves. They grow to convince themselves that they enjoy this and avoid being pleasured themselves because their fear of loss has chronically activated the fear center in the brain and this leads to rationalizations in order to protect them from loss. This much-admired self-sacrifice leads to a one-sided relationship and loss of the valuable opportunity of being pleasured as well.

3. Fear of intimacy: This is an obvious one, but not so obvious in manifestation. At the core, most people can tolerate a certain amount of intimacy. However, fear of intimacy often masquerades as preference. When people declare their attractions despite being "emotionally close" to someone else, that someone else can often offer the opportunity to be a life-long partner except that the emotional intimacy is so close that the physical intimacy is daunting. So people fragment their lives and choose the best "balance" but by ignoring your fear with the most emotionally intimate person in your life you may be giving up one of the most fulfilling experiences you could ever have. I often see this manifest as "he or she is like my brother or sister." I see this as a red flag of fear of intimacy and will often explore this with people when I can.

4. Fear of social disapproval: On the surface, many people are confident that they don't really care what other people think. Yet, unconsciously, people feel ostracized for not choosing public partners who are socially acceptable. For example, similar to the fear of intimacy example above, many people will fall in love with another person but be unable to face their attraction to them because they know that society will disapprove. In the most "reasonable" circumstances this may happen when the other person is slightly overweight, disabled, from a frowned-upon social background or class or from the same sex group.

In all of these cases, the much-loved person is not chosen as a life partner because there are powerful unconscious fears that prevent them from being chosen. Getting over this irrational fear is important. While the initial fears are often borne out parents may disapprove of same sex or "unsuitable" partners), you are the person who will be living with a person with whom you want to have a long-term relationship. Examine whether your fears are more tied to social disapproval than you think.

5. Fear of responsibility: This fear is more common than people think. Often people fear the burden of being responsible for someone else's emotional well-being. So when their partners need a certain degree of sexual intimacy to feel less-anxious for example, this may frighten them. As a result, they may avoid receiving pleasure, gifts or even interaction with them even though they have never experienced or sensed an intimacy that would be more suitable for a life-long relationship.

So they avoid the relationship altogether because the relationship is threatening. Why, apart from a genuine desire not to be responsible for someone else's emotional well-being do people fear responsibility? This fear is also tied into the next fear.

6. Fear of disappointing others: People often fear responsibility because they hate the idea if disappointing others. Unconsciously, they feel as though they are not up to the job. Rather than face their own lack of self-esteem, they turn this into "I don't want to have sex." This often has nothing to do with the expectations of the other person. However, just the idea of disappointing others is a real buzz-kill for many people whose emotional vulnerability leads them to people they can easily please, but with whom, they will have no real intimacy.

7. Fear of death: Yes, yes. I know. You're probably thinking: this is some hidden nonsensical psycho-mumbo-jumbo, but it really is not. It is not a coincidence that the French refer to sex as "le petit mort" which translates to "a little death." Orgasm is the end of a brief life well-lived and stays in the brain as a metaphor of fear of death. Especially as people move on in years, this repeated death becomes a real fear and one that most people are not in touch with consciously.

Fears of sex are often not visible. They reside deep in the unconscious. For that reason, each of the fears above can take awhile to understand and reach. If you discard this understanding, you could be giving up an important and valuable experience in life.